It's over 3 am and I'm looking foward to love. Sometimes I want to tour but they may not want me or may not have me. Sometimes I want to dance and dance. Sometimes I want to do art. I painted my kitchen into sort of rainbow colors and making a rainbow chair. The table in my kitchen is now worth 30 thousand dollars. It's a masterpiece I created. It has all tiled art I made into it and paintings allover the legs. It is unique. You either hate it or love it. My freinds love it. It's fun to eat on I guess because there are all these fun things to look at and a dream world to dive into. I usually do not eat at it. Too lonely. I eat standing up sometimes or on the couch so my doggy can be with me and share. She likes vegetarian. But I give her Little Champs doggy food which is prime cut beef for her health. I can't wait until something exciting and good happens. I want to leave this town, learn something new, change my condition of living, and fall in love and be loved. I also missed my mom today but she needs to realize she has got to stop using the form of communication she has chosen to use with me most of my life. She has been violent with me. I don't deserve that. It hurts too much!
I had the most incredible experience the other night. I decided around midnight I have to dance so I lit these candles and turned on 'Goddess In The Doorway'. I danced on my living room floor on my Persian rug the most fantastic freeing dance I almost ever did in my underwear. The candle went out on its own but as I danced the candle relit by itself and started raising higher and higher as I danced and danced. It was incredible. It was like the Burning Bush that Moses saw. Then when I stopped dancing the candle lowered and went back to normal, my other candle blew out but my huge Prosperity Candle kept burning. I didn't have absolutely all the room I wanted to dance but I am grateful. I miss having big dance studio floors to work in and create. It's a beautiful song! I did a combination of Middle Eastern Dance, Ballet, Indian, Hindu Dance, Jazz Lyrical Style, and Erotic Dance all in one. I got in positions I havn't gotten in in quite awhile and that is Freedom. I've been playing my new song I wrote and working on it so I can sing and play it exactly how I will record it. I probably will transfer it to guitar because it is now on my 1921 Baby Grand Piano. I have this guitar waiting which I havn't played yet and it is sort of Rose Pink and Cream, a 1960's Fender Remake which took me a year or more to pay off. It's been standing there unused because of all the pain and sorrow I felt for so long. I used to practice and play everything everyday. Wake up at 5, go dance and study all day, go do voice, practice with band at nights, play, and party. I also had a guitar teacher named Laurie Gunn. We traded off. I would give her voice lessons and training and she would give me guitar lessons. She helped me learn Jimi Hendrix Solos, Stones, Beatles, and all kinds of great music. I would cook vegetarian for her and her husband and we would make a whole night of music twice a week studying and playing for eachother. She loves Janice Joplin and I would make her sing in my little music studio here with her guitar all the Janice Joplin songs she wanted. Then she played me her own songs. I invited her to play live with me but she only wanted to stay with her own music. I went back over to my ballet studio the other day to visit one of my master teachers Gene Maranachio. He was with the England Royal Ballet Company and taught me many things about my center and control when I dance more than most other teachers and I've had so many. Gene and his lover Bill live and dance together and they hold classes. Since I'm already payed up I'm going back to take some classes with them to keep in shape. I also studied with Stanley Holden who also danced with the Royal Ballet in England. I worked with members of the Bolshoi who came here and stole dance video footage of me for Russia without paying me. They had me dance for them and then started selling the videos in Russia. Oh well. I guess that is OK. I have desires to one day make my own videos such as 'Little Red Riding Hood' and 'Snow White' in a dance to sell. "Alice In Wonderland" is my favorite though. Always has been. Ballets don't do well on the Silver Screen so what companies do is make the videos and sell them through companies like Kultur. I have dance videos that are hard to get from all around the world because my other teacher who died of AIDS used to give them to me while I was studying under his direction. He was gay and cheated just once on his lover and within two weeks was so sick. I had to watch him die in the hospital. He danced with most the big ballet companies. I don't want to go through that again. We did a memorial dance on stage for him in his honor. It's a very interesting sort of video. My hairdresser and make up artist who was my close live in friend Georgi also died of AIDS. He was also gay and we lived together in the same house. He had a salon in his house and used to go go out with me for photo shoots. He also cheated on his lover once and that is when he got that horrible sickness. They moved him into a hospital near my apartment and he made jokes almost to his dying moment. He loved Madonna tremendously and had her pictures and painted her everywhere. We used to enjoy Madonna videos all the time together and listen to her night and day. We went dancing to a the biggest gay club around called 'Rage' in West Hollywood. I was probably the only girl there but I like to dance so I didn't need men allover me or anyone. What no one does know is that in West Hollywood before all the gay clubs opened on Santa Monica Blvd. is that I helped open Rage up to be the first free dance club around where gays could freely enjoy themselves. I sang on the opening night for the club and dressed up in this outragious costume. I think I sang, "Too Hot To Handle" and other songs of mine. The area soon became a safe and beautiful Haven for Gay brothers to live and shop without being hastled by anyone. They established their own community there and soon started having the Gay Parades over there. Rage still stands there with full freedom. They opened up shops and fashion outlets around Rage. It's a beautiful free place now whereas I remember it once wasn't.
I am also one of the fist artists to start Rap. I was rapping before rap became big. After I recorded one of my rock/rap songs and passed it around the USA and Europe Rap became very big. I was always concerned with Black Rights and in my mind I would think about an outlet for the Inner City area kids. I was saddened by the poverty levels of the Ghettos. Being raised also partially near Harlem taught me too. Being also raised in poverty part of my life myself I understood something important. I kept thinking of a way that kids of South Central and Watts could lift themselves out of harsh conditions and they created Rap which speaks to all. It is a way to help the brothers and sisters as well. Most of the Rap Artists will help these areas. Gigi and I tried to start a school in So. Central for the TEARS Foundation. We also did concerts against Gang Violence. We went to City Hall and I went up to the mayor's office to tell him "What Is Going On". We stood outside with a minister, the news, singers, performers and I sang, "Our Children Of Tomorrow". I wanted to start controlled boxing rinks as well so people could safely control their anger and agression where kids and people could go fight in fairness without guns and knives. One of my old famous Football Actor friends also started an organization now too and helps all these kids. I have two African American nephews now as well.
In Judaism they believe that Angels are mostly all people here on Earth. I guess we all have to learn how to be our best. I'm so excited though about getting through this. I guess I will be in hospial for three days and it will probably take three weeks before I can fully dance and do all the hours of work-out I usually love to do. But I'll have the horrid thing out of me, that burdon, that buldge, that thing getting in the way of children. I will work on my songs more and sit down and play. I was planning on a Christmas Party and Chanukka Party here at home and I already bought my God Child a gift and my freinds and bought food to cook-have so many lights and decorations up allover my place-angels everywhere. Gigi was yelling at me last night by phone and cussing real bad cause she was angry at her daughter and wanted me to do alot of driving for her which I couldn't yestday. She causd me tears and misplaced her anger at me. She had her car confiscated and took it out on me. I told her I would bring her the gifts I got her over but she said she wanted me to take her to a Hip Hop club way out somewhere, pick her up all the way over there, drive her home, then have to drive back through all this enourmous traffic. But the mission called me for the homeless and said they would be by 8am today to pick up clothes and goods for the homeless so I wanted go through all I could so I could give them. I managed to get coats, clothes, drapery, sweaters, and household goods together for them for XMas. I loaded half my closet neatly packed outside for the Mission Truck today. I also gave them my computer monitor, books, and gave them my bible. I thought they may need that. Gigi couldn't understand though and was hugely hostile and cruel to me. I need better fiends now who are kinder and more understanding. She has made me drive her to places so many times and take care of her in hospitals. She is not grateful and didn't offer to do the same for me. I hope and pray to God I never need to ask her for anything. Who is going to take care of my doggy? Who can I trust not to be violent with my doggy? Who can I trust not to ignore my doggy? I do not want her in any kennel cause they look like a jail for dogs. I could never do that to her ever.
Today is gonna be the first night of Channukka. I have a menorah I'm going to light to remind me of the miracles of God, to renew my faith, and to make my dream table look even more beautiful. I was crying again in wee hours of morning cause Gigi called me over and over again being her nasty self. I told her I love her but will not tolerate her aggressive behavior towards me, the yelling and anger. I told her she is misplacing her anger and I had to hang up cause she was getting abusive verbally to me. She got another car. I prayed for her to somehow get her own car and this one is gold. We've been freinds for a long time. I'll wait until she is calmed some more. I know her anger comes from other things such as she was brutally raped when a child and tortured by her father. She needs to speak about it but instead she gets really hard to talk to on a calm level. She's older than me by maybe 13 yrs but sometimes I feel like she is my child. I'm not going to hate her or cuss at her though.
Shari Verona sent me an X mas card and told me she is thinking about me. We finally spoke cause I called her after getting the nice card. She offerred to take care of my doggy Heidi for the days I'll be in hospital. That was so very kind and generous of her. I guess I can trust her cause she likes doggys. I bought her a whole pond of fish and Koi when she was crying cause she killed all her pond fish by mistake once. Now she learned how to take care of them and all the fish I bought her are beautiful and growing big. I helped her design the interior of her house too as a gift. She did take care of me when I had to get surgery for my broken nose. I walked around with that broken nose for quite awhile there and had a hard time breathing through the left side. People like Alex and the other rapists who beat me broke it real bad that the bone was blocking my breating passageway. It took 3 surgeries to finally get it back to where it was normal. It still doesn't look as good as my original nose but is closer to it than ever thank God. Well and Gigi just called and was real nice so we are talking now like freinds should. Ha ha.
I watched Saturday Night Live for the first time in awhile. The highlight of the eve well Mick Jagger. He makes me happy. He is the handsomest man around. He wore this gorgeous purple shirt and that smile blows me away. I love the way he talks and he made me laugh with his scenes. It was over too fast though. I had a welling of tear in my eye when they took him off my TV. Then he popped back on again for another song. His other song made me a little sad though. I called Shari and she was watching too. She says she wants to get together with me soon. I guess we will as long as I don't have to listen to any jelous type of criticism. Don't need it. I have criticized myself enough and hated myself enough for the rest of the world. It's a good time to start loving myself. At least I don't drink alcohol anymore. Cannot handle it. Makes me throw up every time even just one cup of champaign makes me throw up all day. I think I'll call and just go ahead with the surgery possibly. I'll see. Still am not certain of too much except the Sun and the Moon, the stars, and Heidi. Angels on the radio and liberty still stands the tallest of all women. Keep the war off my screen cause I cannot handle anymore. Climbed over 7000 feet yesterday at my gym and need to give my legs a rest now cause they are muscle aching some. Sent out some pictures and resumes to some casting directors and an agent but havn't heard any word yet. Maybe one day they will give me a job. Do some service for my Uncle's Company too in the meantime. Have a song I want to release called, "We're Survivors" which I feel is good for the times we are in. I guess only time will tell what direction my life is heading to. I want to move to England. I've been wanting to move to England for years now and get a house over there. English people always seemed less violent, more sophisticated, more diplomatic, and more sensitive to feelings. Besides Rock N Roll basically comes from England. Rock N Roll is my religion really. I see hardly anyone has visited my pages here. I'm virtually unknown as a star. People may recognize me though because of my prayers for mostly everyone though.
Speaking of holding things in and heartache. What still kind of haunts me is my experiences with David. David pretended he didn't know me in court. He pretended he never met me, he pretended he never spoke to me, he pretended as if I were a complete stranger. Here he was passing out my umpteen cassette tapes I had made at parties and to his freinds of my then release by my artist name Yankee Rose. Here is a man who had the nerve to ask me to be married while he just slept with another woman, here is a man who made hits as inspiration from me, and here is the same man who would tell his freinds to call me with rotten messages from him. Here is a man who literally made millions with my assistance. Here is a man who I took to the head of the Grammy Awards and to other awards committees and here is the same man who pretended not to know me. Here is a man who was jelous and angry just because I was inviting Slash and Slash's girlfreind to a party and he wasn't invited so he had me assaulted physically, tormented before I could give Slash the address. He had me removed from my own dancing and grounds by hurting my body out of crazy jelousy. Here is a man who was in love and hate with me who was making false accusations in court against me, pretending I was no one. He literally broke my heart. I had to go to hospital. He had me on a chain gang. He chained me to a hospital bed. Here is the same man who almost murdered me. I don't need another broken heart. He took my private lingeret videos to court and said they were lewd accusing me of being lewd. This is the same man who taught me to be lewd. This is the same man who visited all the dance clubs I worked and was teaching me his lewdness so he calls it. This is the same man who wore one of my costumes on the cover of Circus magazine and who I designed and made costumes for of great expense, who took three diamonds I bought with my own savings and took 4 rubies from me. This is the man who pretended not to know me but he sure the hell knew my diamonds and gems. I also gave him Jade. I was worse than a fool. I wrote a scene for us for the movie of us making love on an Island on the sand so what he does while I'm chained up in a cell with my head almost split open is take another woman and live my dream with her while I lay in some of the emotional pain I have ever felt. I lay almost dead in the hole and didn't eat for close to two weeks. This same man called and threatened another man who finally wanted to marry me but did he admit this in court? No. He threatened Rick Silva who was also in the music industry doing T shirts of Rock Stars after findind out that Rick wanted to marry me. Did he ever admit how insanely jelouse he was no. He was allowed to fuck and date but if I did he went completely mad. Now was that fair? I think not. Did he admit that he needed to control me and how abusive he was and how he did in fact know me. No. Lyer! When a man takes a woman's diamond and puts it above her love he has alot to learn. I don't know if I'll ever buy another diamond ring for another man again. I need to get beyond this. I pray there is one that deserves one from me one day and I get back on my feet and out of the pit and the hole he tried to bury me in. He then went and told people that I tried to charge a $25,000. wedding dress to him when I never did. He pretended to be furious when it was only a $250.00 dollar dress at a local junk shop I asked him to buy me. He was too cheap to get it for me. Oh well. I made myself a much prettier dress. It was not a wedding dress. I know how to make myself feel good. Right now I have one of the most stunning red dress I'm almost done with that is just fine. I'll find somewhere worthwhile to wear it too. I got myself the best lingeret from Victoria Secrets. Victoria's Secret isn't any secret here. I'm going to do the sexiest private dance for the most handsome man in the world too. I havn't worn it yet but I know the time will come.
Silence is Golden only at times.
I took Gigi out to Italian as a gift to her. She wants to find an Italian Man and is on the look out. I took her to the gym and we worked out. She has big plans for the film and we came up with a good idea. I have offerred me lines of credit from top banks to make films and maybe at some point I'll make some. Don't know yet. We'll see what the stars have planned. I've worked on many films with many stars attached but some take good time, some just sit on the shelf, and Frank Sinatra died. I was working on helping produce one of his films at one point, "Good Night Moon". I met he and his wife at another point. We had a big party at his house. They were very kind to me in their own way. I hope his wife is OK. I was possibly also supposed to play a good role in the film. Well that is done and over. I never want to see that script again. I've met up with others too over more scripts. Still maybe there is something good up I pray. All these good productions floating around. Some are bound to find me. I wonder if they ever opened up Ms. Lady Liberty, the Statue yet. My cousin is becoming a super model, Crystal is her name. She's in many of the major magazines now. I'm very proud of her. She is very young but looks alot older in the layouts and the make-up but I know her as an inncocent kid and child. I knew her as a baby growing up so to see her doing all of this now I feel a little protective of her heart and pray she does well, doesn't have to go through any heartbreak, and only marries the right man who will honor, respect, and cherish her always. I hope she doesn't do what I have done all my life. I read that Mick Jagger has a girlfreind some pretty model. It's terrible to have a crush on someone who isn't 100 percent there. Many women are Goddess's yes but I know that I am the only true one who could take God's name in vain like that or who has earned the right to do it and still be respected by everyone. Actually I never took the name in vain but it was handed to me by God Himself so I guess I'm very grateful. Many musicians and actresses use other names. My name makes people laugh at times and other people who are more worthy respect what it respresents. Sometimes God writes songs through me as a gift. I'm very grateful. I'm still wondering why I havn't found the right man who can be faithful to me and also be able to enjoy immense amounts of sex without having to run to other women? I told my x I need affection and sex as much as possible and he couldn't understand that. I told my x before him with tears, give me more while we lay here in bed and he couldn't understand. These are not men I guess. These are 1/8 men. The same with Rick Silva. I don't agree with the ultra religious. Sex is important, sex is religion, sex is spiritual, sex is union. When you combine it with real love it's alot more than getting knocked up or having a few orgasms. Maybe I don't truly understand men yet the way I should and then again I choose not to become a nun although I have had thoughts of it. Ha Ha. I suppose being in the presence of Jesus is really a great experience too. Being in the precense of Gd period is one heck of experience let me tell you. Maybe he'll give me a faithful man in my life for once who understands. That's my prayer for the night. It's useless with all these dates, boyfreinds, wild sexual orgy types of experiences, umpteen pregnancies, and any form of abuse. It's all a waste of valuable love. I'm looking foward to a relationship much deeper and enjoyable than all the ones of my past. So many lovers, so many nights, and yes so much time alone. So many different children to love to from different lover's wives and cousins to raise. God I want to have fun and not have to demand anyone or anything. Make everything easy from here on out. It's been to difficult, too much of a struggle, too much fighting, too much lack of communication, not enough love, sex, and devotion. What is true devotion anyways? I don't know yet. No one ever allowed me to be devoted to them yet. Something to look foward to. Real Trust. It would be wonderful to know what real trust was and how I could really trust someone. Trust is a blessing to have in any relationship. Even in business. Gd give me people in my life I can always trust.
Hallelluya. I may be done with the song. Was in studio yesterday with Producer Craig Owens, Guitarist Ken Suzuki, and Masterer Maurice Gainen. They brought out the music which was hiding on the rough mix and I like the result. We also added telephone radio voice. Fun. Getting gifts for everyone ready too. I recorded the second original tracks at a studio called "The Cave". I have a version of the song I did on Sept. 9th 2001. You either hate it or love it. I think I have possible better songs though too I need to do. Gigi wanted me to go to the 'Ali' movie premiere the other night and I got all dressed up in a gown and the traffic was so bad that I turned around to WB to call her. She was so pissed on the phone that I had to hang up on her again. I was trying to tell her to go ahead without me. She's too angry to spent too much time with and yells at me about Gd. It's just strange. I think she just needs a man so i'm gonna leave her be. She treats me like I'm her girlfreind or something. Screw that. I was just trying to help her with the movie and give her a listening ear but she hurts my ear sometimes. I was supposed to go to after party with her but when I called her back she was still demanding, loud, mean, aggressive and bitchy so I just decided not to go. Who wants to go anywhere with someone who treats me like that. Besides I had to get up early for my Mixing Session. I think Ali's movie with Will Smith is very important though. But I'm not in this world to fight with anyone. I like being treated with respect, gentleness, and kindness just as I treat others. God don't ever let me be like Gigi to people. OK? I called Peter Georgi back and told him I'd do the music for the Ali song. Ali did another rap song a long time ago produced by Peter as well. Peter Georgi used to have a record label. That is how Muhammed Ali and Peter Georgi met and how they first started The Children's World Peace Foundation together. Then I joined them and became the third top person to do most of the work. Why? I do not know. It was alot of work at times and frightening at other times - to be aware of things that maybe most people weren't. God what Muhammed has done. He has done alot more good than most people know about. Peter and I know though. Peter and Muhammed had disagreements at times though and Peter would call me with resentments but now they are made up just fine. I want to go to Victoria Secrets again in Beverly Hills cause they sent me a valuable customer gift. The hospital is dicking me around and may get another less invasive procedure done as I was told the other day. This may work. It's scarey. I wrote a card to Mick Jagger with my own kisses and lipsticks allover the card telling him "I'm in love with him". Well I always cared about him as long as I can remember although I don't know him personally. He was so kind to come to USA and help us and has the greatest songs. He makes me so happy with his music at times. I have his record albums too from way way way back. I don't know if that was a mistake but I want him to feel good considering that he may be going through alot too. It's hard to be in love though with someone who doesn't love you back or who has other girls so I should have told him I'm in love with some of his music although deep inside I always prayed for him when I would hear about stuff going on and would get worried bout him over the years. I think that is a kind of special love too. I'm his fan as well so no one could forget that.
Friday is my surgery I found out today. They are doing the less invasive surgery. I went to the premiere for a new film from England 'Charlotte Gray' by WB the other night with Gigi. A woman director did a great job on the picture. It was a world war II feature and I sat in the front row and had to cry again because it was too close to memories of my family. I guess I was the only one who seemed to be crying over the atrocities but who knows. The audience was packed to its fullest at the Egyptian Theatre. I got a call to do a calendar and I guess the creator likes my photos. It has an American theme I heard. They want close face photos for the calendar. I was invited to another premiere tonight for a film done by a well known director, I think his name is Robert Altman but I'm not sure yet. I don't know if I'm going cause I have to be at hospital early in morning for blood tests again. I pray this surgery goes good. It won't be the major surgery they wanted to do and I'll only be in hospital overnight for this one. By X Mas I may be completely healed and with Jesus there is no doubt about that fact. I feel a little sad somewhat and pray and wish something great would happen already and all by bills get paid up too. I don't want to be poor anymore. I don't want to be called a poor girl or poor thing. Lonliness is a hard thing to do. Love is much easier. I sent a CD off to Arista yesterday too with just maybe four songs. I've met Clive Davis on occassion and his executives. I've met many of the record label moguls. My business manager owes me money but he decided he wants to rob me. Asshole. I don't want to fight about it cause it's not a whole lot of money. He'll learn his lesson about being unethical his own way someday. I got an angel from Victoria Secrets the other day that has snowy stuff flow around. She is inside a glass ball. I climbed over 8,000 feet yesterday up a mountain at the health club, gym with much weight at the same time, plus alot of sit ups and pull ups. I did much more but my arm still hurts from what my brother in law did to me. He caused me pain in my shoulder from his violence and nonsensical abuse. My right arm. He is the ass from the Israeli Army, Cion. It's a beautiful sunny day in Burbank California.
What is real love?
Will buy you a river...I've already cried one...So let's take off our clothes and go swimming...Make love under the sun...Will buy your the rarest ruby...To wear on your hand...My love is overflowing....My love makes no demands...I will understand...I do...I do understand...I'm true too...We've learned our lessons in the school of life...All I want is to be your wife...Don't let me live in a fantasy of you for long...I cannot finish the song...I love the real you....Up and down and all...You don't have to be more than you are....You are more than anyone to me....My heaven is in your arms...Hold me close...Your body is my shrine...The smile in your eyes my living light...My sun is in your heart...No one can take you from me...It was meant to be...You understand...Thank you...I'm so grateful...You will understand true love finally in another way...So let us lay under the stars and share our dreams together...You and I...Don't let real love pass us by...We understand eachother...Know real love...I will never hate you...I will never forsake you....I promise...When you are ready I will show you the way...I will teach you...You will teach me...So lead me with your voice...The voice I've loved always...My child, my man, my light...My guide... Don't let fantasy, time, or distance keep us apart...Don't let fear let real love pass us by...Don't let anger or pain turn our love away...I'm not here to gain but to give...I'm not here to humiliate you or be humiliated but to compliment your life like harmony...Like the rainbow that shines after the rain...Don't let real love pass us by...Going to some AA meetings...Dealing with it. It's been pouring rain in L.A. but the roses look so beautiful after the rain. Dug into my music box and found magic there midnight. "A New Day's Dawning", "Rock You In The Name Of Love", "Here Comes My Groom", "Our Big Debut", "Remember Me"...Songs not heard yet. I finally named my new song I wrote...It is called, "Take My Love". Called up Peter Georgi and left message about getting India and Pakistan on three way for a Peace Treaty. I was born with a big red mark between my forehead. It is still there and at times it gets redder. About three days ago I looked in the mirror and it was getting red. In India they paint red marks to mean beauty. I never need to paint a red mark so I'm fortunate. An Indian fortune reader once met me at the beach and she was so intent on reading my fortune so I sat down with her. She saw my red mark and said, "You are very special. You have been married to God in many lifetimes. Please sit down because I want to read your fortune with my cards". I told her I didn't have the money to do this. She said that was OK and she turned down other people who passed by and offerred her money to read mine. She read mine three times over and over again. She knew so much about me, it was beautiful. She also knew all about David and what he did to my heart and soul and told me in other words to stay away from him always. She told me I was very very creative and that one day I would be very successful although I had spent many years creating without recognition. She also told me to stop worrying about the world. She told me I had so much heavy burdon on my shoulder of the world. She was right. I was so worried about people and peace and all that kind of razamataz. Then she invited me to vegetarian feast at an Indian Temple. I gave her the last three dollars I had on me. I don't want to be married to God like a nun though in this life anymore. I want a real man. Shukria in Indian means 'Thank You'. Thanx to that woman as well I won't worry about the world anymore so. In Judaism it is almost a sin to be without children or single or to be poor. Even Rabbis by the law are supposed to get married and have children. There are no single people allowed by Jewish law like there is in Christianity. In Judaism it is a law to enjoy life, to sing, dance, and have many children. My family has been mocking me lately because I just didn't go there like them and made me cry the other day. My Uncle was making in fun of me and caused me tears. He doesn't really know me. He has seven children and the other day I just got added two new cousins to my family. One is named Esther and the other is Yacov. I found out too that in Mexico that my beautiful cousin Ruthie named her daughter after me, Deborah. I havn't liked my name for years....Deborah Ruth...Ruth means 'light of the world' and Deborah literally means 'bee' in Hebrew. Deborah was also a prophetess in literature of Biblical Stature, sang to the masses to give them strength, and led the army to success against an enemy who was canibalizing the innocent. That is real history. Well enough of religion. I am going to make a salad for dinner. I'm making a beautiful fun scrap book of memories too of photos and art as well. I guess I'll be ready soon to do more photos for publicity. I always wanted to live on a farm. Here in Burbank they seem to have a constant helicopter above me all night long and yes it can get stressfull. I long for wide open spaces, countryside, meadows and to be in True Reciprocal Devoted Love but I just beter be just grateful for what I do have now and where I am. It seems the grass is always greener on the other side but my grass is green too. My little Heidi and my little town, little street, stars. I could be a little big woman. Ha ha.