SUN GODDESS'S DIARY




My daddy committed suicide My daddy beat my mother God I hate my brother Sounds like Officer Crumky from 'West Side Story'. God I love them all.
My longest relationship was with Michael Kappos. He was also in love with me for awhile, but he had a child with another woman, a Christian Italian like his mother. We were together for 6 yrs but became sort of pals for two years more although he tried to hide it that he secretly liked this girl who worked at the market. He got me pregnant twice and ran away both times while I was pregnant. He wore a rubber but somehow there was a tiny tiny hole in it. Friggin scarey to think that even a rubber may not protect one from the virus. I've prayed for him for years to finally marry that girl because I think something inside made him feel guilty so he wouldn't marry her at first. I don't know. I havn't talked to him for years and years and its better that way. His mother didn't like me because of my religion. Families can do that. My relatives didn't like him because he was a greek christian and were really pissed at me. But my mom and sisters don't care. Any religion is ok. I have all kinds in my relative line from Religious Jews to Christians to Phillipino to Hispanic to African American. They r all my family but u cannot get them into a photo together because they do not accept eachother. I love them all. Intermarriages and all.
I worked out at the gym today and went to the doctor. I ran and jogged over 5000 feet on that gym machine and did about 200 sit ups, lifted weights, and drove alot. Stevie Wonder is part of the Organization I helped and I listened to his music. He sang about Iran and Iraqu on his old album with 'Golden Lady' on the song, "Don't You Worry About A Thing". He must have been ahead of his time when he wrote it. I almost got squished to death at his concert once with no festival seating. I've also had part of my clothes stolen off me at another big concert. At another concert I think it was Iron Maiden all the lights went out and all these people got pushy. It was scarey. The worst were David's concerts cause I got my leg stuck in a chair at one and no one would help me, I got my clothes stolen like I mentioned right off my body too. I went to so many bands to open for them but no one would let me. It doesn't feel good to be ignored. I went shopping for groceries finally and pet food today. I listened to alot of radio and also Mick Jagger's 'Goddess In The Doorway'. Great album. It's almost mystical at certan points, sad in others, and full of joy like sunshine in others. Someone told me to listen to Gospel and along came this album to take away the blues. It makes me want to dance, sing, party, play, and trust in God again some. Probably his greatest of all his solos but I loved that she is hot song too. Wish I was the girl dancing on it. Looked at my book of so many songs and lyrics. I have so much! Mr. Georgi called me awhile back though I remember and wants me to do music for Ali's song or something. He's got songs too and did a rap song. I've been helping my Uncle's Company some which is basically part of the heart of Wall Street. I learned alot of stuff about the stock market and how it's worked by helping him. He loaned me money over the years so I owe it to him so I can pay him back. He wanted me to study computers. My other uncle wanted me to be a nurse. My sisters think I should be an Interior Designer cause I did all their places where they live. I wonder why they never asked me, "What makes you happy Debbie?".
Sunshine. Many artists have painted me or sculpted me so I could have a little money. These artists from Spain did a statue of me and made me as a female Jesus with tits. They hung me on a cross. The statue I don't know where it is but that artist's name is Daniel. They did another statue of me as a dancer. They had big huge paintings and art and I don't know what happened to them. They only gave me $30.00 to pose for them for it. I had to stay in this position for hours and could because of my dance training. They were so poor but so talented. Anothe artist has done two paintings with me as a dancer. He says he wants to sculpt me with this marble he got from Michael Angelo's quarry in Italy. The Marble itself is worth a mint. The artist, Lonnie Arnold is my freind. He never touches me and always lets me use clothes. In the past groups of artists insisted on nudes. I modeled nude for groups. It's amazing everyone's different perception of me and how they get it out into their mediums. Some let me use the costumes I wanted. I don't really want to pose nude now. Some just use my picture to paint the pictures. I wonder if any of them are going to make it big one day. They seem big some of them but then again they still seem kind of broke. So into their art. I have painted my own paintings. My favorite is one of a ballerina Angel type of girl dancing on the ocean under the moon with an incredible sky with stars. She floats on the ocean with point shoes. She is wearing yellow. I think that painting is relaxing to look at. My other friend Rene Valiant a much older woman who is a great poet, actress, and artist has done many paintings and gave me one of me she did. It's great. In her portrayal I'm dancing almost naked with my long hair through the stars. My legs are all like a split through the night sky with stars and I look so free. I did that in real life once but I don't know if anyone would believe me or at least I felt like I did. She picked up on it as an artist. She also sculpted me from one of my solo ballets. The Statue she gave me fell and broke into pieces during the earthquake. I have the peices now and part of it still remains. That was my favorite and so special to me. I'm so full of myself but this is my diary. I tried to get my mom to start painting again and drawing and bought her all kinds of gifts to paint with, special artist's papers, colors, and a load of goods. So far mostly it is sitting there unused. She is the most talented out of everyone. She has an ability to draw the body and to pick up almost every nuance. She has studied the drawing of nude bodies when she went back to college.
My freind Gigi has been sick and I bought her a hand made cross for her from an Armenian artist type of person who had all this stuff laying on the floor at my doctor's office. My doctor showed me his collection of religious artifacts. He gave me medicine for my on and off lower back ache. May be from not having sex but who knows for sure.

It's over 3 am and I'm looking foward to love. Sometimes I want to tour but they may not want me or may not have me. Sometimes I want to dance and dance. Sometimes I want to do art. I painted my kitchen into sort of rainbow colors and making a rainbow chair. The table in my kitchen is now worth 30 thousand dollars. It's a masterpiece I created. It has all tiled art I made into it and paintings allover the legs. It is unique. You either hate it or love it. My freinds love it. It's fun to eat on I guess because there are all these fun things to look at and a dream world to dive into. I usually do not eat at it. Too lonely. I eat standing up sometimes or on the couch so my doggy can be with me and share. She likes vegetarian. But I give her Little Champs doggy food which is prime cut beef for her health. I can't wait until something exciting and good happens. I want to leave this town, learn something new, change my condition of living, and fall in love and be loved. I also missed my mom today but she needs to realize she has got to stop using the form of communication she has chosen to use with me most of my life. She has been violent with me. I don't deserve that. It hurts too much!


December ? 2001, Thursday
Gigi Green is almost better. She told me she felt like dying and was real sick but she was better by next day. Maybe that big cross I bought her helped. Thank you God. I emailed my friend Ken Suzuki the guitar player and he said let me know when I'm ready for the House Of Blues because he has a band set up for me if I want. We are not ready for that yet. I'm so tired of year after year of rehearsing paying for rehearsals and all that stuff and then not getting paid for my shows. I guess this one may be fun though. I have new songs though and stronger than older ones. I want and have somewhat a more positive spirit in my new songs. "Raining Rain" has many sides to the song. It's sort of about moving up in life, rising like a Sphinx, coming out of hell, hellow to my life but I need help. I'm not alone. I'm moving upstairs out of poverty, restraint, restriction, and all sorts of opression such as depression; Sort of like all the women of Afghanistan taking off their Burkas, turning on the music, dancing, teaching, studying, being equal to men. Maybe they will even discover that they deserve to be satisfied sexually too. Most were probably ignored but who knows for sure.


I had the most incredible experience the other night. I decided around midnight I have to dance so I lit these candles and turned on 'Goddess In The Doorway'. I danced on my living room floor on my Persian rug the most fantastic freeing dance I almost ever did in my underwear. The candle went out on its own but as I danced the candle relit by itself and started raising higher and higher as I danced and danced. It was incredible. It was like the Burning Bush that Moses saw. Then when I stopped dancing the candle lowered and went back to normal, my other candle blew out but my huge Prosperity Candle kept burning. I didn't have absolutely all the room I wanted to dance but I am grateful. I miss having big dance studio floors to work in and create. It's a beautiful song! I did a combination of Middle Eastern Dance, Ballet, Indian, Hindu Dance, Jazz Lyrical Style, and Erotic Dance all in one. I got in positions I havn't gotten in in quite awhile and that is Freedom. I've been playing my new song I wrote and working on it so I can sing and play it exactly how I will record it. I probably will transfer it to guitar because it is now on my 1921 Baby Grand Piano. I have this guitar waiting which I havn't played yet and it is sort of Rose Pink and Cream, a 1960's Fender Remake which took me a year or more to pay off. It's been standing there unused because of all the pain and sorrow I felt for so long. I used to practice and play everything everyday. Wake up at 5, go dance and study all day, go do voice, practice with band at nights, play, and party. I also had a guitar teacher named Laurie Gunn. We traded off. I would give her voice lessons and training and she would give me guitar lessons. She helped me learn Jimi Hendrix Solos, Stones, Beatles, and all kinds of great music. I would cook vegetarian for her and her husband and we would make a whole night of music twice a week studying and playing for eachother. She loves Janice Joplin and I would make her sing in my little music studio here with her guitar all the Janice Joplin songs she wanted. Then she played me her own songs. I invited her to play live with me but she only wanted to stay with her own music. I went back over to my ballet studio the other day to visit one of my master teachers Gene Maranachio. He was with the England Royal Ballet Company and taught me many things about my center and control when I dance more than most other teachers and I've had so many. Gene and his lover Bill live and dance together and they hold classes. Since I'm already payed up I'm going back to take some classes with them to keep in shape. I also studied with Stanley Holden who also danced with the Royal Ballet in England. I worked with members of the Bolshoi who came here and stole dance video footage of me for Russia without paying me. They had me dance for them and then started selling the videos in Russia. Oh well. I guess that is OK. I have desires to one day make my own videos such as 'Little Red Riding Hood' and 'Snow White' in a dance to sell. "Alice In Wonderland" is my favorite though. Always has been. Ballets don't do well on the Silver Screen so what companies do is make the videos and sell them through companies like Kultur. I have dance videos that are hard to get from all around the world because my other teacher who died of AIDS used to give them to me while I was studying under his direction. He was gay and cheated just once on his lover and within two weeks was so sick. I had to watch him die in the hospital. He danced with most the big ballet companies. I don't want to go through that again. We did a memorial dance on stage for him in his honor. It's a very interesting sort of video. My hairdresser and make up artist who was my close live in friend Georgi also died of AIDS. He was also gay and we lived together in the same house. He had a salon in his house and used to go go out with me for photo shoots. He also cheated on his lover once and that is when he got that horrible sickness. They moved him into a hospital near my apartment and he made jokes almost to his dying moment. He loved Madonna tremendously and had her pictures and painted her everywhere. We used to enjoy Madonna videos all the time together and listen to her night and day. We went dancing to a the biggest gay club around called 'Rage' in West Hollywood. I was probably the only girl there but I like to dance so I didn't need men allover me or anyone. What no one does know is that in West Hollywood before all the gay clubs opened on Santa Monica Blvd. is that I helped open Rage up to be the first free dance club around where gays could freely enjoy themselves. I sang on the opening night for the club and dressed up in this outragious costume. I think I sang, "Too Hot To Handle" and other songs of mine. The area soon became a safe and beautiful Haven for Gay brothers to live and shop without being hastled by anyone. They established their own community there and soon started having the Gay Parades over there. Rage still stands there with full freedom. They opened up shops and fashion outlets around Rage. It's a beautiful free place now whereas I remember it once wasn't.


I am also one of the fist artists to start Rap. I was rapping before rap became big. After I recorded one of my rock/rap songs and passed it around the USA and Europe Rap became very big. I was always concerned with Black Rights and in my mind I would think about an outlet for the Inner City area kids. I was saddened by the poverty levels of the Ghettos. Being raised also partially near Harlem taught me too. Being also raised in poverty part of my life myself I understood something important. I kept thinking of a way that kids of South Central and Watts could lift themselves out of harsh conditions and they created Rap which speaks to all. It is a way to help the brothers and sisters as well. Most of the Rap Artists will help these areas. Gigi and I tried to start a school in So. Central for the TEARS Foundation. We also did concerts against Gang Violence. We went to City Hall and I went up to the mayor's office to tell him "What Is Going On". We stood outside with a minister, the news, singers, performers and I sang, "Our Children Of Tomorrow". I wanted to start controlled boxing rinks as well so people could safely control their anger and agression where kids and people could go fight in fairness without guns and knives. One of my old famous Football Actor friends also started an organization now too and helps all these kids. I have two African American nephews now as well.

December 7, 2001, Friday
Well I may be in hospital for Christmas. Back in 1991 when I was living with my then boyfreind Tony Rodriguez I became pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. About the same time David Lee came out with some more songs about me although everyone who us knew how he hated me and was so jelouse of the work I had to do for a living through his previous album. He went on tour and I had to work moonlighting as a Strip Tease Dancer. I worked three jobs. He was furious at me and hated me so but he wasn't taking care of my bills. I had to take care of myself somehow. I also worked for a record label during the day but that only paid $6.00 an hour so I worked til 3am dancing besides all the modeling shoots I was doing. I just didn't know I had any choices. He wrote about it all. Almost everyone knew about his new album for Susan and on the lower end of the album he still sang about me. Tony was insanely jelouse. One day I was going out to an AA meeting and Tony went crazy and started to beat me up without any reason. I was pregnant. The hospital tried to save the baby but 'Angelique' died inside me. She didn't want to be born to a Father like that so she stayed with our Father in Heaven. I got away from Tony and moved out of that half a million dollar estate for safety and serenity. Tony was a guitar player gone mad. At that time I got these little things called Fibroids and now they are to the point I need them out. The doctor told me that if I get pregnant with them that the baby may never grow to full term. If I ever have a baby I want a healthy baby next time. There is a big one inside my uturus. I named it Bin Laden. Has caused me sadness, pain, a buldge in my lower abdomen. I didn't have the money to get advanced less invasive surgery and although my relatives are worth hundreds of millions of dollars they havn't offerred to help me. So the doctor at UCLA told me that he can let student doctors take it out for me without money but I have to do it before December 25th 2001. I don't want this fibroid tumor in me anymore this Bin Laden. My cousins are the Mattel Family. My other cousins are the real Barbie and her brother Ken who had died in 1994. I spoke to my cousin Ruth who created Barbie Doll and basically she has been only cold and snobby with me I hate to say but it is the truth. My father's side own so much and my grandfather left behind a small legacy of millions and millions of dollars. I'm supposed to have his five million dollar mall but my controlling relatives took control of it in another country. I don't think I want to spend my time in court with them when I could be creating and doing great things for people. Besides my grandpa incested me. I was his favorite grandchild and was the only one who spent alot of time with him. I forgive him too. They have taught me somewhat about the ugliness of greed. God don't ever let me be ugly like that when I become a billionairess. I'm already a billionairess in love because I forgive them all. If they think money is more important than life and health than so be it. End of story.

In Judaism they believe that Angels are mostly all people here on Earth. I guess we all have to learn how to be our best. I'm so excited though about getting through this. I guess I will be in hospial for three days and it will probably take three weeks before I can fully dance and do all the hours of work-out I usually love to do. But I'll have the horrid thing out of me, that burdon, that buldge, that thing getting in the way of children. I will work on my songs more and sit down and play. I was planning on a Christmas Party and Chanukka Party here at home and I already bought my God Child a gift and my freinds and bought food to cook-have so many lights and decorations up allover my place-angels everywhere. Gigi was yelling at me last night by phone and cussing real bad cause she was angry at her daughter and wanted me to do alot of driving for her which I couldn't yestday. She causd me tears and misplaced her anger at me. She had her car confiscated and took it out on me. I told her I would bring her the gifts I got her over but she said she wanted me to take her to a Hip Hop club way out somewhere, pick her up all the way over there, drive her home, then have to drive back through all this enourmous traffic. But the mission called me for the homeless and said they would be by 8am today to pick up clothes and goods for the homeless so I wanted go through all I could so I could give them. I managed to get coats, clothes, drapery, sweaters, and household goods together for them for XMas. I loaded half my closet neatly packed outside for the Mission Truck today. I also gave them my computer monitor, books, and gave them my bible. I thought they may need that. Gigi couldn't understand though and was hugely hostile and cruel to me. I need better fiends now who are kinder and more understanding. She has made me drive her to places so many times and take care of her in hospitals. She is not grateful and didn't offer to do the same for me. I hope and pray to God I never need to ask her for anything. Who is going to take care of my doggy? Who can I trust not to be violent with my doggy? Who can I trust not to ignore my doggy? I do not want her in any kennel cause they look like a jail for dogs. I could never do that to her ever.


SUN GODDESS'S DIARY

December 8, 2001 I went back to ballet last night. Wow it is so great to dance again in point. My freinds were there dancing with me who wondered where I had been. One thought I disapeared. The ballet master, Gene Maranachio went longer than usual and we all danced til 9pm. Capitol Records in Hollywood was holding a vigil today for George Harrison but by the time I woke up I couldn't make it over there in time. I was maybe going to go. They are interested as well in my music now as well. They said they want to hear when I'm done mixing. Tonight I read that Mick Jagger is on Saturday Night Live so I told some of my freinds to watch and emailed them cause I know he's gonna make em happy. Angela called me and she is the one person that never cusses at me, my good freind. She says she wants to maybe come over and watch with me and we maybe will go out and party for awhile too. I think I want to get a good gym work out soon too. I took Heidi to the Doggy store today and bought her the prettiest gold collar for her. I was going to buy her a faux fur coat but she didn't want to wear it. I need to finish up my music room cause the big shelf came tumbling down allover the place almost smashing me in my head but instead broke some of my pa equipment and stuff allover the floor. I have to secure it back in right now. I have my keyboards set up in there, some soundproofing, my guitars, my mandolin, my violin, harmonicas, egz, a bue light, and other equipment. I want to practice in there and create more so I'm gonna finish it in there. I used to hire maids here and more male maids but a few stole some things from me so I decided to clean my own place. I cleaned some today and will clean some more. I hate dirt and cleanliness is next to Godliness to me. I guess I can save money that way too for the time being. It gets too dark too fast now with this daylights saving time. I like it when the light lasts longer. I talked to Craig Owens about my new songs. He will be leaving for New York and Phili with his girlfreind for awhile during December and we're schedualed to finally finish my other song on December 13th. I have to be there. There will be a number of people working on it. Maybe a record label will pick me up for a contract before then. If that is what God wants me to do than I am all for it. I know God loves when I dance and sing. I have to make a decision soon about my other dilemma and am praying for the right answer. The nightsky is so pretty in this area. The stars shine so bright. I am so lucky. I always know where Venus is and at night when I open my door Venus shines right on me. Aerosmith came out with a great Alice In Wonderland type of song. Their management turned me down a long time ago to open for them. I still like their music and was very happy when they finally sobered up. Well that is none of my business anyways. I hope though that Mick Jagger wins a Grammy though. He deserves it. I was so very happy when Earth, Wind, and Fire finally got inducted to The Hall Of Fame. I was so proud and watched that ceremony. I met Maurice White a long time ago and another band mate. He has a jazz label now. I have another God Child I forgot about from Russia. Her name is Yolana. We made a music video together. I havn't seen her for a long time. I just may surprise her cause I miss her a little. I spent a good number of years with her. I have alot of Russian in me from decendants in my family and am so happy that Russia is now in alliance with Europe and America. Many years ago Peter Georgi helped end the cold war and went over there. After that they held that big Rock Concert over there and let all the Foreign Rock Stars In. Peter and I usually only speak at certain times usually if there is some kind of crisis or something huge going on. We seem to come together after years to speak and work on stuff for Children's World Peace Foundation. He is the founder of the org and sent Muhammed to China to sign Peace Treaty and many other places. Peter invited me once to the White House but I didn't want to go with him then. During the early 90's he and his wife came to live in my then house because there was a crisis and they needed a place to live and food. He had to free American Hostages in Iran at that time so I helped him while he raise the money to send Muhammed Ali to Iran to help free the hostages. I was working on my EP at that point as Sun Goddess. The crisis was soon over and the poor hostages were freed. Peter soon got back on his feet as well. He tries not to make it a point to ask everyone for money cause that is not what love and peace is always about. Most Non Profit Orgs make money most of their prime purpose. The org is not into raking in millions for itself. That's what I like about it and that is why I always helped them too. We did a big show with Joe Cocker once and so many stars. It was fun and I wore a beautiful blue gown that a freind from Kuwait bought me as a gift. Joe Cocker bought 50 or so children on stage to sing with him. What a show!!! I'll always be grateful to him for that. How wonderful and generous of him. Muhammed and I spoke together breifly that night in front of all the cameras and photographers. Well I gotta get back to all my creations and stuff. I also have to go deposit a small check my Uncle owes me. I pray I somehow find fun ways and feeling good ways to get more money and feel financially secured soon. Today I am not financially secure and I pray that somehow I will be soon.


December 10, 2001 Morning

Today is gonna be the first night of Channukka. I have a menorah I'm going to light to remind me of the miracles of God, to renew my faith, and to make my dream table look even more beautiful. I was crying again in wee hours of morning cause Gigi called me over and over again being her nasty self. I told her I love her but will not tolerate her aggressive behavior towards me, the yelling and anger. I told her she is misplacing her anger and I had to hang up cause she was getting abusive verbally to me. She got another car. I prayed for her to somehow get her own car and this one is gold. We've been freinds for a long time. I'll wait until she is calmed some more. I know her anger comes from other things such as she was brutally raped when a child and tortured by her father. She needs to speak about it but instead she gets really hard to talk to on a calm level. She's older than me by maybe 13 yrs but sometimes I feel like she is my child. I'm not going to hate her or cuss at her though.


Shari Verona sent me an X mas card and told me she is thinking about me. We finally spoke cause I called her after getting the nice card. She offerred to take care of my doggy Heidi for the days I'll be in hospital. That was so very kind and generous of her. I guess I can trust her cause she likes doggys. I bought her a whole pond of fish and Koi when she was crying cause she killed all her pond fish by mistake once. Now she learned how to take care of them and all the fish I bought her are beautiful and growing big. I helped her design the interior of her house too as a gift. She did take care of me when I had to get surgery for my broken nose. I walked around with that broken nose for quite awhile there and had a hard time breathing through the left side. People like Alex and the other rapists who beat me broke it real bad that the bone was blocking my breating passageway. It took 3 surgeries to finally get it back to where it was normal. It still doesn't look as good as my original nose but is closer to it than ever thank God. Well and Gigi just called and was real nice so we are talking now like freinds should. Ha ha.

I watched Saturday Night Live for the first time in awhile. The highlight of the eve well Mick Jagger. He makes me happy. He is the handsomest man around. He wore this gorgeous purple shirt and that smile blows me away. I love the way he talks and he made me laugh with his scenes. It was over too fast though. I had a welling of tear in my eye when they took him off my TV. Then he popped back on again for another song. His other song made me a little sad though. I called Shari and she was watching too. She says she wants to get together with me soon. I guess we will as long as I don't have to listen to any jelous type of criticism. Don't need it. I have criticized myself enough and hated myself enough for the rest of the world. It's a good time to start loving myself. At least I don't drink alcohol anymore. Cannot handle it. Makes me throw up every time even just one cup of champaign makes me throw up all day. I think I'll call and just go ahead with the surgery possibly. I'll see. Still am not certain of too much except the Sun and the Moon, the stars, and Heidi. Angels on the radio and liberty still stands the tallest of all women. Keep the war off my screen cause I cannot handle anymore. Climbed over 7000 feet yesterday at my gym and need to give my legs a rest now cause they are muscle aching some. Sent out some pictures and resumes to some casting directors and an agent but havn't heard any word yet. Maybe one day they will give me a job. Do some service for my Uncle's Company too in the meantime. Have a song I want to release called, "We're Survivors" which I feel is good for the times we are in. I guess only time will tell what direction my life is heading to. I want to move to England. I've been wanting to move to England for years now and get a house over there. English people always seemed less violent, more sophisticated, more diplomatic, and more sensitive to feelings. Besides Rock N Roll basically comes from England. Rock N Roll is my religion really. I see hardly anyone has visited my pages here. I'm virtually unknown as a star. People may recognize me though because of my prayers for mostly everyone though.



Speaking of holding things in and heartache. What still kind of haunts me is my experiences with David. David pretended he didn't know me in court. He pretended he never met me, he pretended he never spoke to me, he pretended as if I were a complete stranger. Here he was passing out my umpteen cassette tapes I had made at parties and to his freinds of my then release by my artist name Yankee Rose. Here is a man who had the nerve to ask me to be married while he just slept with another woman, here is a man who made hits as inspiration from me, and here is the same man who would tell his freinds to call me with rotten messages from him. Here is a man who literally made millions with my assistance. Here is a man who I took to the head of the Grammy Awards and to other awards committees and here is the same man who pretended not to know me. Here is a man who was jelous and angry just because I was inviting Slash and Slash's girlfreind to a party and he wasn't invited so he had me assaulted physically, tormented before I could give Slash the address. He had me removed from my own dancing and grounds by hurting my body out of crazy jelousy. Here is a man who was in love and hate with me who was making false accusations in court against me, pretending I was no one. He literally broke my heart. I had to go to hospital. He had me on a chain gang. He chained me to a hospital bed. Here is the same man who almost murdered me. I don't need another broken heart. He took my private lingeret videos to court and said they were lewd accusing me of being lewd. This is the same man who taught me to be lewd. This is the same man who visited all the dance clubs I worked and was teaching me his lewdness so he calls it. This is the same man who wore one of my costumes on the cover of Circus magazine and who I designed and made costumes for of great expense, who took three diamonds I bought with my own savings and took 4 rubies from me. This is the man who pretended not to know me but he sure the hell knew my diamonds and gems. I also gave him Jade. I was worse than a fool. I wrote a scene for us for the movie of us making love on an Island on the sand so what he does while I'm chained up in a cell with my head almost split open is take another woman and live my dream with her while I lay in some of the emotional pain I have ever felt. I lay almost dead in the hole and didn't eat for close to two weeks. This same man called and threatened another man who finally wanted to marry me but did he admit this in court? No. He threatened Rick Silva who was also in the music industry doing T shirts of Rock Stars after findind out that Rick wanted to marry me. Did he ever admit how insanely jelouse he was no. He was allowed to fuck and date but if I did he went completely mad. Now was that fair? I think not. Did he admit that he needed to control me and how abusive he was and how he did in fact know me. No. Lyer! When a man takes a woman's diamond and puts it above her love he has alot to learn. I don't know if I'll ever buy another diamond ring for another man again. I need to get beyond this. I pray there is one that deserves one from me one day and I get back on my feet and out of the pit and the hole he tried to bury me in. He then went and told people that I tried to charge a $25,000. wedding dress to him when I never did. He pretended to be furious when it was only a $250.00 dollar dress at a local junk shop I asked him to buy me. He was too cheap to get it for me. Oh well. I made myself a much prettier dress. It was not a wedding dress. I know how to make myself feel good. Right now I have one of the most stunning red dress I'm almost done with that is just fine. I'll find somewhere worthwhile to wear it too. I got myself the best lingeret from Victoria Secrets. Victoria's Secret isn't any secret here. I'm going to do the sexiest private dance for the most handsome man in the world too. I havn't worn it yet but I know the time will come.

3rd Day of Channukka 2001

Silence is Golden only at times.

I took Gigi out to Italian as a gift to her. She wants to find an Italian Man and is on the look out. I took her to the gym and we worked out. She has big plans for the film and we came up with a good idea. I have offerred me lines of credit from top banks to make films and maybe at some point I'll make some. Don't know yet. We'll see what the stars have planned. I've worked on many films with many stars attached but some take good time, some just sit on the shelf, and Frank Sinatra died. I was working on helping produce one of his films at one point, "Good Night Moon". I met he and his wife at another point. We had a big party at his house. They were very kind to me in their own way. I hope his wife is OK. I was possibly also supposed to play a good role in the film. Well that is done and over. I never want to see that script again. I've met up with others too over more scripts. Still maybe there is something good up I pray. All these good productions floating around. Some are bound to find me. I wonder if they ever opened up Ms. Lady Liberty, the Statue yet. My cousin is becoming a super model, Crystal is her name. She's in many of the major magazines now. I'm very proud of her. She is very young but looks alot older in the layouts and the make-up but I know her as an inncocent kid and child. I knew her as a baby growing up so to see her doing all of this now I feel a little protective of her heart and pray she does well, doesn't have to go through any heartbreak, and only marries the right man who will honor, respect, and cherish her always. I hope she doesn't do what I have done all my life. I read that Mick Jagger has a girlfreind some pretty model. It's terrible to have a crush on someone who isn't 100 percent there. Many women are Goddess's yes but I know that I am the only true one who could take God's name in vain like that or who has earned the right to do it and still be respected by everyone. Actually I never took the name in vain but it was handed to me by God Himself so I guess I'm very grateful. Many musicians and actresses use other names. My name makes people laugh at times and other people who are more worthy respect what it respresents. Sometimes God writes songs through me as a gift. I'm very grateful. I'm still wondering why I havn't found the right man who can be faithful to me and also be able to enjoy immense amounts of sex without having to run to other women? I told my x I need affection and sex as much as possible and he couldn't understand that. I told my x before him with tears, give me more while we lay here in bed and he couldn't understand. These are not men I guess. These are 1/8 men. The same with Rick Silva. I don't agree with the ultra religious. Sex is important, sex is religion, sex is spiritual, sex is union. When you combine it with real love it's alot more than getting knocked up or having a few orgasms. Maybe I don't truly understand men yet the way I should and then again I choose not to become a nun although I have had thoughts of it. Ha Ha. I suppose being in the presence of Jesus is really a great experience too. Being in the precense of Gd period is one heck of experience let me tell you. Maybe he'll give me a faithful man in my life for once who understands. That's my prayer for the night. It's useless with all these dates, boyfreinds, wild sexual orgy types of experiences, umpteen pregnancies, and any form of abuse. It's all a waste of valuable love. I'm looking foward to a relationship much deeper and enjoyable than all the ones of my past. So many lovers, so many nights, and yes so much time alone. So many different children to love to from different lover's wives and cousins to raise. God I want to have fun and not have to demand anyone or anything. Make everything easy from here on out. It's been to difficult, too much of a struggle, too much fighting, too much lack of communication, not enough love, sex, and devotion. What is true devotion anyways? I don't know yet. No one ever allowed me to be devoted to them yet. Something to look foward to. Real Trust. It would be wonderful to know what real trust was and how I could really trust someone. Trust is a blessing to have in any relationship. Even in business. Gd give me people in my life I can always trust.


SUN    GODDESS    &    HEIDI


PHOTO OF SUN GODDESS & HEIDI HERE
December 14, 2001

Hallelluya. I may be done with the song. Was in studio yesterday with Producer Craig Owens, Guitarist Ken Suzuki, and Masterer Maurice Gainen. They brought out the music which was hiding on the rough mix and I like the result. We also added telephone radio voice. Fun. Getting gifts for everyone ready too. I recorded the second original tracks at a studio called "The Cave". I have a version of the song I did on Sept. 9th 2001. You either hate it or love it. I think I have possible better songs though too I need to do. Gigi wanted me to go to the 'Ali' movie premiere the other night and I got all dressed up in a gown and the traffic was so bad that I turned around to WB to call her. She was so pissed on the phone that I had to hang up on her again. I was trying to tell her to go ahead without me. She's too angry to spent too much time with and yells at me about Gd. It's just strange. I think she just needs a man so i'm gonna leave her be. She treats me like I'm her girlfreind or something. Screw that. I was just trying to help her with the movie and give her a listening ear but she hurts my ear sometimes. I was supposed to go to after party with her but when I called her back she was still demanding, loud, mean, aggressive and bitchy so I just decided not to go. Who wants to go anywhere with someone who treats me like that. Besides I had to get up early for my Mixing Session. I think Ali's movie with Will Smith is very important though. But I'm not in this world to fight with anyone. I like being treated with respect, gentleness, and kindness just as I treat others. God don't ever let me be like Gigi to people. OK? I called Peter Georgi back and told him I'd do the music for the Ali song. Ali did another rap song a long time ago produced by Peter as well. Peter Georgi used to have a record label. That is how Muhammed Ali and Peter Georgi met and how they first started The Children's World Peace Foundation together. Then I joined them and became the third top person to do most of the work. Why? I do not know. It was alot of work at times and frightening at other times - to be aware of things that maybe most people weren't. God what Muhammed has done. He has done alot more good than most people know about. Peter and I know though. Peter and Muhammed had disagreements at times though and Peter would call me with resentments but now they are made up just fine. I want to go to Victoria Secrets again in Beverly Hills cause they sent me a valuable customer gift. The hospital is dicking me around and may get another less invasive procedure done as I was told the other day. This may work. It's scarey. I wrote a card to Mick Jagger with my own kisses and lipsticks allover the card telling him "I'm in love with him". Well I always cared about him as long as I can remember although I don't know him personally. He was so kind to come to USA and help us and has the greatest songs. He makes me so happy with his music at times. I have his record albums too from way way way back. I don't know if that was a mistake but I want him to feel good considering that he may be going through alot too. It's hard to be in love though with someone who doesn't love you back or who has other girls so I should have told him I'm in love with some of his music although deep inside I always prayed for him when I would hear about stuff going on and would get worried bout him over the years. I think that is a kind of special love too. I'm his fan as well so no one could forget that.


December 16, 2001 Sunday
I think I know who to give some of my songs for. I have songs that I never wrote for anyone but now some seem to take on a meaning and a spirit. I may remix some of them and show them to the record labels too. One song, I wrote "Tonight Let's Be Together" I wrote while I was watching the Grammy Awards. I didn't know who I was writing it for. All I knew is I had to write it. I took Heidi to Victoria Secrets yesterday and put their ribbon round her neck. People love Heidi. She could be the Victoria Secret's doggy so I may let them see her with me one day. I've been putting off my new photo shoot cause I wanted to feel my best before taking more pictures. I got an offer to be one of the girls on the cover picture on my little bro's rap album last night. The song is called "Take Off Your Clothes" and his name is Smooth G. He is Gigi's son and I was partially raised with him. We used to play basketball together. I knew him since he was a teen. I always call him my little brother and want him to stay out of trouble. They said I could wear anything I want and asked me to ask my pal Angela to be in the photo shoot as well. I can hardly wait to record my new song I wrote after hearing Mick Jagger's songs. I also have the words to another one which is beautiful, so full of love but I don't have the music. I also have another song that has meaning now and it could be a great hit, "Rock You In The Name Of Love". That song is powerful. I need some people to hear my home mini production of it. I'm so hungry now. Angela invited me to afternoon party at 2pm at her mom and daddy's house which I think I'll go to. Yesterday I was invited late at night to 3 parties but two of those parties were unknown people and late at night and really really far. I drove too much all day to be going to a midnight party where people I don't know were having it. I could see if I had a driver and security so I decided to stay home and do some fun stuff like wrap gifts and listen to 'Ave Maria' by Sara Brightman. I used to sing that song all the time. I understand it and it is in Latin. I'm giving "What's Going On" to my family and hopefully they will understand 'don't punish me with brutality'. It's a beautiul day in LA and the sky is blue. I have an arch angel named Michael who is real to me. He he. I feel him and it feels good to be under his wing. He helps me make music and protects me and makes me feel love and trust again. He is strong and powerful and is always youthful. Words can barely describe how much I LOVE him. God thank you for him and please protect him, keep him full of joy and good health.


December 19, 2001

Friday is my surgery I found out today. They are doing the less invasive surgery. I went to the premiere for a new film from England 'Charlotte Gray' by WB the other night with Gigi. A woman director did a great job on the picture. It was a world war II feature and I sat in the front row and had to cry again because it was too close to memories of my family. I guess I was the only one who seemed to be crying over the atrocities but who knows. The audience was packed to its fullest at the Egyptian Theatre. I got a call to do a calendar and I guess the creator likes my photos. It has an American theme I heard. They want close face photos for the calendar. I was invited to another premiere tonight for a film done by a well known director, I think his name is Robert Altman but I'm not sure yet. I don't know if I'm going cause I have to be at hospital early in morning for blood tests again. I pray this surgery goes good. It won't be the major surgery they wanted to do and I'll only be in hospital overnight for this one. By X Mas I may be completely healed and with Jesus there is no doubt about that fact. I feel a little sad somewhat and pray and wish something great would happen already and all by bills get paid up too. I don't want to be poor anymore. I don't want to be called a poor girl or poor thing. Lonliness is a hard thing to do. Love is much easier. I sent a CD off to Arista yesterday too with just maybe four songs. I've met Clive Davis on occassion and his executives. I've met many of the record label moguls. My business manager owes me money but he decided he wants to rob me. Asshole. I don't want to fight about it cause it's not a whole lot of money. He'll learn his lesson about being unethical his own way someday. I got an angel from Victoria Secrets the other day that has snowy stuff flow around. She is inside a glass ball. I climbed over 8,000 feet yesterday up a mountain at the health club, gym with much weight at the same time, plus alot of sit ups and pull ups. I did much more but my arm still hurts from what my brother in law did to me. He caused me pain in my shoulder from his violence and nonsensical abuse. My right arm. He is the ass from the Israeli Army, Cion. It's a beautiful sunny day in Burbank California.

December 20, 2001
I pray this surgery works the way I want it to tomorrow. God please make it work right and let me enjoy my life without violence and hostility from now on and good health. Give me true freedom and give all my friends the same. Not many people know my name so let them all get my Sun Goddess CDs and Yankee Rose's CDs. Thank you for all goodness. Bring me true love into my life and not just a fake again. Don't let anyone play with my heart and soul strings unless they are ready to take full responsibility for love. Rick Ortega made me stop playing music for the first time in my life. Rick Ortega was a man who pathologically lied to me and told me he was a famous guitarist in a band. He turned out to be not a musician at all but conned me, offerred me a job, had me rehearsing on music that wasn't even his to give. He came into my life and lived with me at my place. He borrowed money telling me he was going to be getting paid from the record label but later I found out he never played music and was using a fake name. I took care of his kids. He came home on heroin and drunk and hurt me also physically. He hit me in the bedroom over and over. I couldn't get him out of my home. He broke through the window and came in anyways. I met his x wife and we got along fine and she used to leave all her kids with me. She later told me that Rick told her he was a famous baseball player and she believed it into the marriage. I found out he was using another man's name which looked just like him. One day he went to jail because the police caught him hurting my body and he called me from jail and threatened to have me killed. Well thank God he was lying there too. He got out of jail though cause I bailed him out. I told him I forgive him and then finally he conned another woman and on Thanksgiving I came home and found he was gone. I prayed for that so thank you God. Rick caused me stop playing music out of so much pain. I always played music and danced every day of my life until Rick Ortega came along. God help me again to be happy and play, dance, and love again and feel free to play at any hour like I used to til 4 am even if I am alone. Please keep Rick far far away from me and never let me see him again. Don't let him try to come back or move near me at all. Evil SOB. Keep anyone remotely like him away from me forever! He told me things so aweful. He told me I was too old. He told me I was bad as an artist. He criticized me for his need to control and abuse. His desease and sickness not mine. What he says isn't true. I'm never too old to be loved and to love, to have fun and to give, to enjoy and recieve, to be beautiful and healthy, to create and succeed, to dance and play music. I'll never be to old to have freinds, fans, and to love life! I'll never be too old to trust and enjoy affection or sex. I'll never be to old to be my father's child or that of my mothers'. Fuck you Rick Ortega and take everything you ever said to me and stuff it up your arse because all that evil you told me is about yourself not about me. Any evil anyone does has nothing to do with me or about me from now on and I want nothing to do with anyone's evil words and actions.

December 26 or 27? 2001
I have this story I was thinking of putting down about the three sisters. They are the stars in the sky and at night when I look at them I see they are not aligned up exactly but when they are then peace may guide the planet. Funny. It sounds like 'Aquarius'. I loved that movie. I saw it when it first came out on lSd. The hospital stay was excruciating. I would have much rather been having a baby. I couldn't eat and didn't go number two for quite a good number of days. Funny. I guess cause I had no food to digest. They had me on a catheter. That thing hurts and is very uncomfortable. I never knew I could handle so much morphine. Holy God above. Well I guess I'll see over time if the surgery worked or not. It's advanced technology. They cut into my groin area and went through my main artery down there to stop the flow of blood to those damn things which thrive and live if you allow them to. Now they told me they are dead. I'm grateful to God I was a candidate for the surgery though and it was not the major one they wanted to do at first. Everything is non malignant thank God. I never want to go through anything like that again though. They even kept me partially awake through it and I saw the tv sets with my insides on the screen. The nurses were so nice though, they made up for the awefullness of the situation and the doctors were nice too. So many people in there. The morphine lady was really the nice one too always smiling at me and cracking a few jokes. I told em all I'd get em cds of my music which I will as a gift. What else can I give them! Angels. One doctor she must have been only 23 or so but so smart almost unbelievable how smart she was being a doctor! Dr. Dong did the surgery though and then there was another doctor, a middle eastern person. Many people may have never let him do surgery on them and when I saw his name I realized what racism could be and how good he really was as a doctor too. He was very kind as well. The bed was aweful though afterwards. I had those good moments though when the pain stuff got me where I felt really good like I usually do through it all. I was in so much pain. I've been through surgeries on other occassions and had alot bigger openings cut open and all but this one was the clinger. I mean Alex cut open my head in the back when He beat me and that didn't hurt so and my nose and all. What the heck. I'm tired of my own bruises. My mom and I made up though over X Mas and she wanted to take care of me so I let her for two days. At least she finally got me to eat some food. My mom always seems to be able to do that some. I'm working on this song. It's unexplainable almost. It's beautiful to me. I hope I can share it with the ears and hearts of millions one day soon if they will help me at the labels. Doctor says I can't lift heavy things. I'm glad I have my dog. I'm putting photos in my photo book today and making em look pretty. Maybe I'll get more energy to call and send out more resumes and stuff to companies for contracts. I want to be rich rich but I am rich rich in love. God gave me everything and told me I could have everything good. I have alot of love to spend. I hope I always have alot of love to give. Being rich in love and creativity is a good thing and an asset. I am rich with the stars too. I am rich with friends. Now just my investment portfolios and my bank accounts. I wonder did they open the Lady Liberty up yet? I don't know. I'm trying not to watch war. It's too much for anyone emotionally. On X Mas I watched the park from the balcony and watched children play and people hug. I heard the sound of children all day while I recover and read books. Mostly a silent day for me. My mom went to a X Mas party and I stayed with Heidi and all the kids across the street playing. Well I don't know if anyone reads this or if anyone is but I erased all my White House and Govornment type correspondence. I have to admit I've been correct 98 percent of the time when I predicted something to help the people and gave them the messages. Now I'll never have proof how God works through people but I'll just trust him. I'm amused today because the pain is OK now and it is only a little in me. Thank You God. I havn't felt like partying at all lately. He he. I wonder why?

Dec. 29, 2001

What is real love?

Will buy you a river...I've already cried one...So let's take off our clothes and go swimming...Make love under the sun...Will buy your the rarest ruby...To wear on your hand...My love is overflowing....My love makes no demands...I will understand...I do...I do understand...I'm true too...We've learned our lessons in the school of life...All I want is to be your wife...Don't let me live in a fantasy of you for long...I cannot finish the song...I love the real you....Up and down and all...You don't have to be more than you are....You are more than anyone to me....My heaven is in your arms...Hold me close...Your body is my shrine...The smile in your eyes my living light...My sun is in your heart...No one can take you from me...It was meant to be...You understand...Thank you...I'm so grateful...You will understand true love finally in another way...So let us lay under the stars and share our dreams together...You and I...Don't let real love pass us by...We understand eachother...Know real love...I will never hate you...I will never forsake you....I promise...When you are ready I will show you the way...I will teach you...You will teach me...So lead me with your voice...The voice I've loved always...My child, my man, my light...My guide... Don't let fantasy, time, or distance keep us apart...Don't let fear let real love pass us by...Don't let anger or pain turn our love away...I'm not here to gain but to give...I'm not here to humiliate you or be humiliated but to compliment your life like harmony...Like the rainbow that shines after the rain...Don't let real love pass us by...

Going to some AA meetings...Dealing with it. It's been pouring rain in L.A. but the roses look so beautiful after the rain. Dug into my music box and found magic there midnight. "A New Day's Dawning", "Rock You In The Name Of Love", "Here Comes My Groom", "Our Big Debut", "Remember Me"...Songs not heard yet. I finally named my new song I wrote...It is called, "Take My Love". Called up Peter Georgi and left message about getting India and Pakistan on three way for a Peace Treaty. I was born with a big red mark between my forehead. It is still there and at times it gets redder. About three days ago I looked in the mirror and it was getting red. In India they paint red marks to mean beauty. I never need to paint a red mark so I'm fortunate. An Indian fortune reader once met me at the beach and she was so intent on reading my fortune so I sat down with her. She saw my red mark and said, "You are very special. You have been married to God in many lifetimes. Please sit down because I want to read your fortune with my cards". I told her I didn't have the money to do this. She said that was OK and she turned down other people who passed by and offerred her money to read mine. She read mine three times over and over again. She knew so much about me, it was beautiful. She also knew all about David and what he did to my heart and soul and told me in other words to stay away from him always. She told me I was very very creative and that one day I would be very successful although I had spent many years creating without recognition. She also told me to stop worrying about the world. She told me I had so much heavy burdon on my shoulder of the world. She was right. I was so worried about people and peace and all that kind of razamataz. Then she invited me to vegetarian feast at an Indian Temple. I gave her the last three dollars I had on me. I don't want to be married to God like a nun though in this life anymore. I want a real man. Shukria in Indian means 'Thank You'. Thanx to that woman as well I won't worry about the world anymore so. In Judaism it is almost a sin to be without children or single or to be poor. Even Rabbis by the law are supposed to get married and have children. There are no single people allowed by Jewish law like there is in Christianity. In Judaism it is a law to enjoy life, to sing, dance, and have many children. My family has been mocking me lately because I just didn't go there like them and made me cry the other day. My Uncle was making in fun of me and caused me tears. He doesn't really know me. He has seven children and the other day I just got added two new cousins to my family. One is named Esther and the other is Yacov. I found out too that in Mexico that my beautiful cousin Ruthie named her daughter after me, Deborah. I havn't liked my name for years....Deborah Ruth...Ruth means 'light of the world' and Deborah literally means 'bee' in Hebrew. Deborah was also a prophetess in literature of Biblical Stature, sang to the masses to give them strength, and led the army to success against an enemy who was canibalizing the innocent. That is real history. Well enough of religion. I am going to make a salad for dinner. I'm making a beautiful fun scrap book of memories too of photos and art as well. I guess I'll be ready soon to do more photos for publicity. I always wanted to live on a farm. Here in Burbank they seem to have a constant helicopter above me all night long and yes it can get stressfull. I long for wide open spaces, countryside, meadows and to be in True Reciprocal Devoted Love but I just beter be just grateful for what I do have now and where I am. It seems the grass is always greener on the other side but my grass is green too. My little Heidi and my little town, little street, stars. I could be a little big woman. Ha ha.

Jan. 3, 2002
Havn't felt like writing words much lately. Recovering. Going to NY soon I guess to visit my home. Trying to keep life beautiful though even with ugliness that reared its aweful head through an x friend. I'm just letting go of anything or anyone who hurts me though so I'll be great! Feeling better.